( i will try to fix you )</div></div>

nervous hands that slip carelessly across pages
slight hurls, slowly falling and the quiet feet
harbouring hushes and thousands of secrets
smoke
escapes your lips and it drifts, twirls its way across emptyrooms
then, raging like the fire that it had been
diguised and ugly, under thick covers
nothing left to offer but an undifferentiated mess
disconnected sentences, broken promises, hearts that crack and peel and shed
open your eyes, turn away from comfort
release your curled fist and bare your naked palms
your thoughts, they float away

today was good. today was bad. what should i expect from tomorrow? what can i expect from tomorrow? some days i just want to curl up and write and write and sing and think, no matter how horrible or digusting my writing turns out or how stupid i may sound. i just want to escape. disappear and leave nothing at all

how many of your mirrorred speeches have you repeated? rewinding pieces yet again and slowly unfolding, laying out the origins of where it came from. inside everything was undisturbed, even the tiniest atom of dust was suspended, rested in the central of the entire haul. there existed less than once of a circulation, the air was unstirred and never before had itself choked in a winding motion. exposed every defect of our illuminated lungs and inhaled each draft of the decaying air, yet each miniscule movement seemed exaggerrated in a large square like this. realisations that have since dawned upon me are not what i have expected, and your threading through my feelings are not what i like, neither do i need. and so we only remain moulded, wasted on a single sole, and dependent only on distant arms. and we will only tilt towards sunlight of the dawn, the process of which has continuously dulled upon our own hateful self. outward i was walking alone and revived by my own withered shadow, feeding my own bare soleless feet to the grass. you let your own words sail through my body, and you asked to tell you everything. instead i filled my own sentences with no bottoms, and as they slowly curled into the world, i gave up. you did not understand, and you never will.

i'll tell you what to do and promise me you will

1. drop whatever you're doing and pause, take one second to marvel at the beauty of the world that you have always missed and then run to your parents your siblings wherever they are and give them one long hug, and make sure they know you love them. because even if they may seem like the last person on your list and the last people you would want to talk to, in years to come, they will be the people you miss dearly, they will be the people that you long so much to touch, to hug, to love, this i assure you. and if you don't show them that you love them now, you'll be sorry when that chance is forever lost in future

2. take a picture of your life each day, a picture of what made that day tolerable and even if this paticular day may seem like the worst, take a picture. then, compile all the pictures in a scrap/sketchbook, arrange them according to date and throw in a caption for each picture. a few years later, take the book out and start from page 1. you will be amazed

3. remember friends and people who walked into your life, and stayed. remember those who impacted and changed your life, and remember those who were always there regardless of where in the world you were. remember those who always made you smile, and those who made each crawling day more livable. remember these people, and one of these days, remember to give them a hug and thank them for the joy they have brought

love
huiqi

3am; i awoke to the still darkness. everything was so placid hushed lifeless, outside there were no lights but those alongside the road and one or two lone houses. i wondered what they were doing, such an unearthly hour. were they awake for the same reason i was?

3am; a few hours more to dawn, a few hours more to the unofficial beginning of a new day, a few more hours and you can see cars on the road driven by people donned in office suits rushing their breakfast at traffic lights and jams and teenagers with a mind still asleep but physically present.

3am; it's beautiful isn't it. just sit by the window and observe and you will be amazed by everything. like how occasionally you would hear the distinct fleeting blare of the car packed with kids who party into midnight and way beyond that, kids who have yet to turn 18 and kids who drink and smoke. then after that passes, it's still again. everything is so undisturbed and stationary you wonder if the air outside your room is actually moving, if there still is life present outside.

3am; it's then you realise the sky isn't black, but purple, a deep violent purple that gashes across the open sky above, sometimes a harsh grey and sometimes a colour you have no word for but you recognise it. it is then you sneak outside, lie on any open space you find, under the brilliantly shaded canopy, so mystical and strange. and you dream, you dream.

in here it's glowing, and like your heart, my lips have melted and sealed itself. i have lost all given words and between us are aphonic conversations and quiet, silent like that passing moment in the early morning before the first light arrives and everything around you pink warm and beautiful. say, embrace when afternoon comes, when the sky is at its best and the city is engaged in a flurry of excitement and disappointment, because when dusk comes and then night falls upon the street you're left all alone and somehow it ends like that. you disappear

i said, give me 5 seconds to regain myself, to lift myself up from where i have fallen and broken apart. 1,2,3 - slower please, i begged - 4,5. too late, you're heading towards the spiralling horizon and your diminishing figure is going, going, vanished. i have lost you

give me words to speak, words to fall upon your tongue and words between us. words that link us together, associate, identify. words that will remind me of your being and words that will relieve that splendid moment when you basked yourself in the glorious sun and you were so full of extraordinary magnificence. words that are silent and tacit and quiet and words that are so warm to the touch like the morning toast on a sunday morning. words that my eyes shield and words that are left unspoken and only inside your heart because we're afraid
x